


Aliens Tried So Hard To Make Them Do It

by eleventy



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 09:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3115556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleventy/pseuds/eleventy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scully and Mulder are abducted. Things take a turn for the weird.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aliens Tried So Hard To Make Them Do It

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to write smut. I thought using a never-fail trope - aliens made them do it - would work. It did not. This is what happened. I am only posting it because it has made so many people laugh, and that's good for your immune system or something.

Mulder’s skin was a half-size too tight and the ringing in his ears was getting really grating. It was noon, or else someone was shining a rather bright light in his face, and he would get around to finding out which in a minute. First, he wanted to ascertain whether a rodent had actually nested and died in his mouth, or if it tasted that way for some other reason.

“Mulder? MULDER!” Scully’s voice contained both panic and irritation, and a few sharp slaps across his face convinced him to skip ahead to a more active phase of his investigations. He opened his eyes. She was disheveled and stark naked. It was the first non-objectionable sensory input he’d had in a while. However, behind her was a metal wall with unfamiliar control panels, and above her, emerging from the bluewhite, million candlepower glow of that damn light, was some sort of apparatus that really couldn’t be anything but a probe. 

Just then, the doorbell rang. Mulder and Scully continued to look at each other. Presently, it rang again. Scully’s eyebrows moved as if to join up and have a confab with the bridge of her nose. Mulder sat up quickly, judged that his legs were straight out in front of him on some sort of examination or operating table, and swung them over the edge. Got up, walked to the door, which had no knob, and hesitantly asked, “Who is it?”

“Somebody order a pizza?” asked a mechanical voice.

“What?”

“Somebody order a pizza?” it came again, exactly the same. 

“Yes,” Mulder said, thinking fast. He felt decidedly stoned, he was hungry, and pizza sounded good.

The door dematerialized and a four-foot-nil alien stood there in a windbreaker and nothing else, proffering a pizza box in its three-fingered hands. 

Mulder took the pizza box and tried to hand the alien a tenner. He had no pockets, which he should have realized before, since he was also naked. The alien didn’t seem to mind, but stood there while Mulder set the box on the operating table, shoved a slice most of the way into his mouth, and offered Scully one while chewing.

“What.” said Scully. 

Mulder looked where she was looking. The alien had an erection. Scully was not eating her pizza. 

“Is there enough of that to go around?” asked the alien in the same mechanical voice. He did not move his lips.

“I’m Jake,” he offered when he didn’t get an answer to his first question. “I’m looking for a good time.” 

“Riiight,” said Scully. Mulder nodded and swallowed. 

The alien walked towards them with a sort of graceful gangliness, took a slice of pizza from the box, and angled it towards his toothless, black-gummed mouth. A pointed black tongue darted out and sensuously looped a bit of cheese. Then, huge black eyes held Mulder’s as the alien sucked sauce off the fingers of Mulder’s hand. His mouth was cool, but not cold. Scully appeared to have come to her own terms with the situation, and in Mulder’s peripheral vision, had hiked herself up to sit on the operating table next to the pizza box. 

“This is markedly less effective than anticipated,” the alien said, looking from Mulder to Scully and then back to Mulder’s extremely nontumescent organ. 

“Yes,” Scully said. Mulder waved his hand around to dry it of the alien’s saliva.

“The subjects will explain the failure of this operation,” demanded the alien. 

Scully opened her mouth, and Mulder waited for a terrifyingly cogent explanation of human psychosexual complexities, but it never came. Instead, after a moment, Scully, her fully dilated pupils giving her an air of ingenuousness, offered, “Different strokes for different folks?”

“The subjects will demonstrate different strokes,” the alien commanded.

That’s when Mulder lost it, and Scully used the time to get herself together. By the time his hysteria had died down to wheezing with the occasional eruption of giggles, she was as much the cool and professional scientist as Mulder could imagine her without her clothes on, and he did have some practice.

In the wake of whatever drugs they had used to knock him out, and the various shocks that had occurred so far, Mulder felt a startling sense of clarity. This was the opportunity of the life time - a true close encounter of the fourth, verging on fifth kind. Was there a fifth? Certainly this qualified as its own kind of close encounter.


End file.
